Peoria man unashamedly admits to watching entire World Series finale on MLB website

Lance Pryor from Peoria, Illinois has belatedly, but unrepentantly, revealed that he watched the entire 7th game of the recent World Series on the MLB website. In the cliffhanger finale, played at Progressive Field, Cleveland, the Chicago Cubs snatched victory 8-7 in the 10th inning, watched by 75 million viewers across the USA. However, that count does not include the numerous, unheralded fans who were unable to watch on TV and could only catch the game on the web or radio. MLB posted a running commentary with each pitch illustrated in a frame on its site. Strikes, balls and hits were depicted in different colours, with a written update on each play. Pryor, whose TV was in for repairs at Stanley Electronics in North Hale Ave, Peoria, was torn between going to Double A's Pizza Sports Bar and Grill in North Radnor Rd or watching the webcast. 'Initially I was so mad with Stanley's because they had promised to have my TV fixed before the final game. But once I started watching on the web I soon got so hooked. I'd forgotten what a fertile imagination I have, honed after watching many Cubs games over the years at Wrigley Field.' When Dexter Fowler hit Corey Kluber over the fence with just the fourth pitch of the game, Pryor knew he didn't need to go anywhere. He cracked open a six-pack of Bud Light and settled in for the duration. Even the rain break before the 10th inning didn't induce him to move away from his PC screen. 'I could visualise the whole thing. I just didn't need to be spoon-fed with the TV. It's such a cop out. It's actually far more exciting to see the drama in your own head.' When the Cubs wrapped it up in the bottom of the 10th with a groundout Pryor just went mad, jumping and hollering in his 3rd floor apartment. 'I could picture the Cubs team leaping on each other in my mind and I was, like, just leaping on top of them too. And I didn't need to be there to know the fans descended on the Cubs dugout, roaring at the tops of their voices. I don't know what the big deal is with television anyway. In the old days you had to wait for the telegraph to give you the score, so

having the internet is just another technology altogether.'

A wave needs a surfer just as much as a surfer needs a wave

The Biennial International Convention of Surfers (ICS), meeting in Oahu, Hawaii, has finally resolved the long-raging controversy about the perfect wave. For decades surfers have contested the concept, with the question being: can a wave be perfect without being surfed on? Now the convention has ruled definitively that perfection does indeed go hand-in-hand with a rider on the wave. 'Without the surfer, a wave cannot qualify for perfection,' is the official communiqué, agreed after days of laid-back discussions and liberal quantities of good weed. 'Over the centuries there have been trillions of waves, maybe even more than the number of grains of sand on all the beaches in the world,' says Pete Schleck of Redondo Beach. 'Hawaiians, West Africans and Papua New Guineans were up there long before the current generation of surfers, so they were able to endorse wave perfection. But they still had to be there for perfection to exist. What good's a wave if nobody's on it?' As with the vexed philosophical issues about the sound of one hand clapping and a tree falling in the forest, surfers have long agonised over this issue. At least the surfing community has now decided to confront the Zen essence of the question and answer it, once and for all. 'It's more than just philosophy, dude,' says Ian Falliono of San Diego. 'It's about the essence of surfing. You go out there every day to commune with that wave. You need the wave but the wave also needs you. If the surfer hasn't cranked, peaked, accelerated, torqued or hot-dogged, the wave hasn't really existed and it's like so far from being perfect. Even an ordinary surfed wave is closer to perfection than a stunning unsurfed wave.' The argument has reached new levels in recent years as more and more surfspots have been captured in the lenses of surfer magazines and videos. This has raised an even more refined issue: can a surfer make the perfect wave alone or must he/she be witnessed either by another surfer or through a camera lens? This discussion will only be addressed at the 2018 Biennial ICS scheduled for Jefferies Bay, South Africa. And coming on to the agenda for 2020? Can one perfect wave be more perfect than another?

Springboks win prestige Sportswriters' award for conceding possession of the ball

The Rugby Sportswriters' Association has awarded the Springbok rugby team its prize for giving the ball away. In the preamble to the award citation the Sportswriters praise the Springboks for having found 'ever-creative and new ways for ensuring that their opponents regain possession of the ball after losing it.' To any seasoned rugby fan it had became increasingly evident that the Springbok coaching staff was not satisfied with the simple, traditional way of losing possession i.e. booting the ball down the field, down the throat of the opposing full-back or wings. Although there has been a fair share of this, the Springboks have now taken the whole process to a new level. One neatly disguised method is to kick the ball diagonally across the field so that it bounces into touch just a metre away from the touch line. The subtle precision of this move helps to shield the fact that the opponents now have the ball. Another innovation is, instead of repetitively kicking up-and-unders in all weather, the Springboks are also opting to wait for a period when the wind is blowing in their faces. Under such conditions an up-and-under often drifts back in their direction meaning that the opposition has a good chance of gaining the ball without even losing ground. Other variations of the kicking game include grubbers that hit the opponent and bounce back in your direction, having a kick charged down and booting the ball across the field directly to an opponent. The Springboks now save their best efforts at losing possession for games against the All Blacks. Knowing that the All Blacks simply love possession, the Springboks have raised losing the ball to the level of pure art in these games. In addition, when simply kicking the ball away doesn't work as well as it might, they have been working on ways to concede penalties in more technical ways, particularly in mauls, where the referee is called upon to dig deep into his knowledge of the game to pick out the infringement. This subtle technique has required extensive practice but the coaching staff now feels it has perfected it better than any of the other major rugby countries. Says one of the coaching squad: 'South African schoolboys tend not to kick and their infringements are often rather naive. We've had to take this material at the senior level and drill them to kick the ball away creatively and concede penalties without looking as if they are. It's still work in hand but we're incredibly pleased with our progress, this year in particular.'

Trump's virtual hair-ality

There is increasing speculation that Donald Trump's hair may not be real, after all. Earlier in the year, when Trump's campaign was in full swing and he was riding high in the polls, it was alleged the Clinton campaign had put out that his hair was virtual and he was really balding. The stories remained unsubstantiated and the speculation receded from the headlines. However, nobody denies that it has been impossible to get Trump's blond locks into focus and allegations about fake hair or a virtual reality projection have re-emerged in recent days as Trump's campaign has stuttered. Says Anton Le Mesurier, long-time photographer for Associated Press, 'Nobody, and I mean nobody, has got all of Trump's hair into the frame without some blurring. It's VR. There's probably some ex-Google dude who has found a way of projecting hair onto Trump's head so it looks like his dome is fully covered but in reality, there's nothing or very little there.' Many political hacks believe that a bald Trump would have no chance whatever of winning the election. However, with his star waning fast in recent weeks following the first two presidential debates and revelations about his offensive comments about women, it is thought that his campaign management might resort to a last-ditch attempt to re-capture the headlines. 'Trump has entranced a large section of the American public with his forthright views and straight-up criticism of Washington. Why not 'fess up now and take his virtual hair off? A lot of voters will sympathise and admire his honesty,' says one Trump campaign insider. However, only five of 44 elected American presidents have been balding and in recent decades only Eisenhower made it, so a balding Trump would be bucking the odds. It may be a better call to go with a fully shaven head as everyone knows that this is associated with strength and ruthlessness. More likely is that, should Trump still make it to president, he will shave his head completely for Inauguration Day to show the American people and Congress who's boss.

Robert Zimmerman's Nobel - here come Bolan and Stewart

The award of the Nobel prize for literature to Robert Zimmerman is likely just the start of a string of Nobel's for the great pop lyricists. Ramon Saldarriaga, popular music critic for the Chicago Tribune, enthuses: 'This is the start of something big. If they think the poetry in Zimmerman's Idiot Wind, The Early Roman Kings and The Times Are A-Changing is classic, then a whole world opens up for the Nobel Committee.' Speculation is rife about which pop poet will next be elevated to Nobel status. Two towering, timeless pop scribes that immediately leap to mind are Marc Bolan and Rod Stewart. Bolan's Bang A Gong is Shakespearean in ambit, with echoes of Samuel Taylor Coleridge while Rod Stewart's All Right Now, immortalised by rock band Free, just goes unerringly to the heart of the human condition. These great lyrics capture the zeitgeist of the 60s and 70s but are also universal and echo down the passages of time. 'Everyone knows that to be really effective, poetry must be read, or preferably sung, out loud,' says critic James Manson of the Times Literary Supplement. 'Look at Homer - his poems were performed, with the lyre playing the role the guitar does today. The ancient Greeks showed us the way and today's pop lyricists have picked up the thread. Words are meant to be spoken and only the mouth can give them shape.' The Nobel Committee has finally twigged this under Peter Englund, appointed permanent secretary of the Swedish Academy in 2013. After all, who ever reads Nadime Gordimerle or Jaroslav Seifertov, previous winners of the prize, today? Zimmerman, Bolan and Stewart are still wildly popular. Bolan will probably not be considered as he died in 1977, although there have been reports that, like Elvis, he is just taking a break.

Bang a gong

Well you’re dirty and sweet, clad in black

Don’t look back and I love you

You’re dirty and sweet, oh yeah

Well you’re slim and you’re weak

You’ve got the teeth of a hydra upon you

You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.

Chorus:

Get it on, bang the gong , get it on

Get it on, bang the gong, get it on

You’re built like a car, you’ve got a hub cap diamond star halo

You’re built like a car, oh yeah

You’re an untamed youth that’s the truth with your cloak full of eagles

You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.

All Right Now

There she stood in the street
Smiling from her head to her feet
I said hey what is this
Now maybe baby
Maybe you're in need for a kiss
I said hey what's your name
Maybe we can see things the same
Now don't you wait or hesitate
Let's move before they raise the parking rate

I took her home to my place
Watching every move on her face
She said look what's your game
Are you trying to put me in shame
I said slow don't talk so fast
Don't you think that love can last
She said love Lord above
Now you're trying to trick me in love

All right now
Baby it's all right now
All right now
Baby it's all right now

Who's that girl, watch that girl

Look at that girl
She lives down my street
Who's that girl, w-w-w-watch that girl
Well look at that girl
She lives down my street

Global heads have had it up to here

Global Investors, the global financial service company with 73 offices globally has recently appointed John Global as Global's global head of global globalisation. Avers Global, 'Global has decided to push its global reach to another level, to effectively embrace the entire globe, no longer restricting itself only to those parts of the globe Global currently finds itself in.' Global's global ambitions have been restricted over the past two years because of a plagiarism case involving one of its previous global heads of global globalisation. Global globalisation head, Gehad al-Haddad, had been falsely accused of plagiarising part of his master’s thesis on globalisation through Global University, Missouri in a dispute with Brad Hadd, an employee of global rival, Global Assets. In the thesis, Brad Hadd, while Gehad al-Haddad had had 'had had', had had 'had’; 'had had' had had Haddad had up incorrectly for plagiarism. The case had dragged on through several courts globally, involving a series of global lawyers, mainly from global law firm, Global Partners. William Globe, Global Partners’ global head of global litigation, in an interview with the Boston Globe said, ‘There was a collective global sigh of relief on the part of all the global players that Haddad and Hadd had agreed to set aside their ‘had had, had had’ dispute. Globe Partners which started life in Globe, Arizona now has offices all around the globe including its new London HQ near Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. Out-reaching all of these global behemoths is Musk Intergalactic Autos, a joint venture established to build autonomous vehicles on Mars. Musk has recently appointed Dr Gil Galactic as his intergalactic head of galactic research to probe opportunities to expand elsewhere in the galaxy.

Mothers tail teenage daughters at night to protect them from predators

Paula Aitchison of Gospel Oak has joined a growing coterie of London Mums who have started tailing their teenage daughters to nightclubs and wine bars around London. Avers Paula: ‘I just can't handle the tension when Candy goes out at night. I don't know what creeps she might meet or when she'll get home. It's better if I just trail around behind and keep her in sight. I mean there are all manner of predators out there.’ The mothers are finding it can be loads of fun changing identities. It's a way of getting in touch with their inner thespians as well as a chance to hang out in some of London's liveliest hotspots. Paula has accumulated a variety of disguises from shops like Only Fools and Peacocks in Stoke Newington. ‘You will be amazed how much you can transform your identity completely with a wig, a prosthetic nose and glasses. Even I don't recognise myself in the mirror before I go out. One night at Boujis in South Ken I got this close to Candy without her even realising it was me.’ She indicates a distance of a couple of feet with her hands. Sometimes Paula uses an architect’s costume, especially for early evening wine bars. ‘A clipboard and construction hat completely alter my image. And I’ve met charming men in some of these places.’ Paula and other mothers rely on Uber to stay on the move. As soon as they see their daughters getting ready to leave, they summon a car and are quickly in place to tail them to their next venue. Paula's husband Mike is not sure how he feels about Paula's night-time antics. He's thinking of contacting a security company to find out about installing bugs and tracking devices on both Paula's and Candy's clothing. ‘Then I don't have to charge around or worry about a thing. I can just track them both all over town and go down the pub with my mates.’

BVI man wins record third Victoria Cross

Wilson Patchoux, a native of the British Virgin Islands, has become the first man to win three Victoria Crosses, the UK's supreme medal for bravery. Wilson, who did many years of research into medal-winning, has been inspired by a number of war heroes like Kemal Ataturk and Charles Upham. 'Countless times at Gallipoli and in the Caucasus campaign Mustafa Ataturk rallied his troops on the hilltops, dodging bullets incessantly. That takes real skill and timing.' Patchoux's father, Archie, had always advised his son to keep his head down and not be a hero. But Patchoux junior knew that becoming a hero was possible, using a combination of skill, practice and sixth sense. Charles Upham, the New Zealander who won two VCs in World War II, has a story that reads like a Boys Own comic book. 'Upham was constantly drawing fire and dodging bullets while eliminating dozens of enemy soldiers. Although he was frequently wounded he always managed to dodge that fatal bullet.' Patchoux is particularly pleased with his third VC. 'You think Michael Phelps is something special with all those Olympic golds? Well he didn't take any actual chances with his life. A pristine blue swimming pool is a far cry from a patch of open ground, strafed by heavy machine gun fire. The pool is a cake-walk.' Patchoux studied hours of film footage showing humans dodging bullets. 'If you watch Terminator 1, 2 or 3 or The Matrix in slow motion you get a feel for the timing and speed of the bullet-dodger. The Matrix is particularly tough on the hero because the bad guys are machines. That takes away the human error, making it much more difficult to evade the thousands of rounds a second spewing out. Keanu Reeves is a genius.' Patchoux also watched James Bond films in his research: 'The henchmen of the baddies in James Bond movies are another good source. Even though they are mainly ham-handed dolts, they have a lot of firepower. James Bond had a licence to kill, sure, but he was up against loads of dudes who didn't even bother with such niceties as a licence.' Patchoux has decided to auction his VCs and donate the proceeds to charities for retired cavalry horses.

Likes Facebook but no friends needed

Ben Wiczouk of somewhere in Montana (nearest town not divulged) has made the briefest of contacts with the outside world to reveal he has signed up with Facebook for the first time. The story was broken in the Liberty County Times by investigative journalist Ramon Aguirra. Ben, who until now has cut himself off from all electronic communication, conceded that 1.5bn Facebook users can't be wrong. He has decided to put his head above the parapet, if only very slightly. 'Given my constant conflict between paranoia and narcissism I've decided to try to integrate the two disorders by accessing Facebook.’ However, Ben has severely restricted the settings on his Facebook page. For example, for ‘Posts’ he has disallowed ‘Public’ access and even access by ‘Friends’, instead ticking the box for ‘Only Me’. For 'Who Can See My Stuff’ his setting is the same - 'Only Me'. ‘I’m finding my own posts very absorbing and see no reason to share them with a bunch of other nosy ignoramuses.’ Ben has made a big concession on the ‘Who Can Contact Me’ tab by allowing ‘Only Friends of Friends’. However, he will not be making any friends on Facebook and will not respond to any friendship requests. 'I've gone public on this so that everyone out there looking to make contact with me, for whatever reason (and there are all sorts of weirdos out there with all sorts of reasons), will know that they will not be hearing from me.’ Ben debated whether to post a photo of himself or possibly someone else, or even and animal or bush, but eventually decided against any of these. ‘If I want to look at myself I can easily just walk over to the nearby stream.’ And he definitely will not be listing his high school or home town. ‘There's no way I want any of those losers to contact me. I'm happy here with my gold bars and baked beans and nobody's gonna come and take that happiness away from me.’

White van man fraternity challenged by big biker wave

For years ordinary motorists have been stung by their exclusion from the white van man brotherhood. From London to Huddersfield white van men have operated under the radar screen, letting each other into traffic, allowing faster white vans to pass easily and warning each other of traffic cameras and speed traps. A white van man can spot another in the heaviest of traffic, almost as if no other traffic exists. Carl Orbison from Hackney averred, ‘I couldn’t believe it. One day I had cause to hire a white van and it was like being on another planet. Suddenly there were these incredibly sensitive and supportive guys recognising my needs. Of course, I reciprocated immediately.’ Ordinary motorists can observe but are not invited to participate. However, motorists have now started to hit back. They are forging a symbiosis with the large motorbike fraternity (smaller bikes don’t qualify). In slow-moving traffic it's not unusual to see a motorist ease quietly a metre or two to the side to allow a motorcyclist to pass. In return the bike rider will acknowledge this action with a low-key lift of a gloved hand off the handle bar. 'There’s nothing more satisfying than to get a cool wave from a big bike,' raves Perry Jann, a Toyota Corolla driver. 'Now the white van man fraternity no longer rules the road,' he added. White van driver, Peter Wilson, commented, 'We're not sure how to respond to the biker wave challenge. On the one hand it would be nice to get that wave but on the other it would be a betrayal of the exclusive bond we white van men have with each other. It could break the safety and security of the fraternity.' One driver who will never be invited to either group is Barclay Angelo who drives a Hummer. Says Barclay, 'Even if I had space to pull over for a biker, which I don't, I wouldn't.' And the white van men shun him completely.

Man reaches near-enlightenment with simple things

Shaun Miller, a resident of Warrens, Wisconsin, has nearly achieved enlightenment without even meditating or following the guidance of some guru. Rather he has taken the path of doing lots of small, insignificant, but intensely satisfying things like washing off bird droppings from his car fender after he'd parked it under a tree on a hot summer's day. Says Shaun: "I've found it easier to integrate my ego with its dark side by pursuing simplicity. If I see a loose thread on one of my trainers I immediately reach for a pair of clippers and snip it off. This brings instant joy and a sense of one with the cosmos." A few months ago Miller spotted the sign of a local seamstress and remembered he had long been wanting to repair his favourite pair of Armani jeans, bought over 20 years ago. "When I got those jeans back from Mona I just felt so in harmony with all aspects of my persona." Seamstress Mona Lodsziak commented: "I can't describe the look of joy on Shaun's face when he saw the new hems and pocket linings on that old pair of jeans. I immediately wanted to tap into his secret." For Miller, enlightenment is asymptotic. "Most of us never really quite get there, we only approach. I'm glad this is so because, if I was to reach total nirvana, I'm pretty sure I'd end up an alcoholic or sex addict like many of the great gurus. Ít usually goes to their heads and then they’re undone. I'm happy just being on the cusp." Miller is thinking of writing a book of little things to do, like buying a rack to neatly store your belts, and it's likely that more spiritual travellers will take up Miller's path. “By focusing on the little things you don't have to actually strive for enlightenment”, says Hu Wallace of Hampton, Iowa. “As we all know, once you start striving, enlightenment just slips away."

Would Methuselah have done Death Café?

The old saw is that there are only three sure things in life: death, taxes and your children doing the opposite of what you advise. Taxes you could get around, until the recent Panama Papers leaks, but now the noose is tightening around the tax haven neck. Death, on the other hand, has been given a new lease of life. Huge breakthroughs in artificial intelligence are leading to forecasts of earthlings living well into their 100s in the near future. Of course, this will still be well short of long-lived early humans like Methuselah (lived until age 969), his son Lamech (777) and other famous biblical characters like Noah (950) and Adam (930).  Even so, whether we are to live to 120 or 800, the new restaurant concept, Death Café, is now taking on a life of its own. Nowhere more so than in East London where Meg Southey has just franchised out the third establishment in her Sunshine Coast Death Café chain. People of all ages are flocking to the venues, for an evening of coffee, cake and chat about this formerly taboo subject. Avers biker Mandy Venter, a regular visitor, 'It's awesome. It's not like some coffee klatch or baby shower, it's real life and death stuff. You can get an adrenalin charge just contemplating your own demise.' Already a new range of Death Café merchandise has found its way into supermarkets. Peter Williams from Nahoon says: 'Originally, I started with black balloons, skull-shaped cookies and grim reaper pointy hats on a barrow at a street market but it's caught on so fast I now have orders from some of the big chains, like Doves.' It's a moot point as to whether any of the likes of Methuselah would have displayed interest in a Death Café until well into their 700s or even 800s but the current generation is determined to join the fun while it can. As for children, they will only go to a Death Café if you order them not to.

Cape Town's bergies get upgrade

Cape Town's so-called 'bergies' are to get an upgrade. The name, stemming from the Afrikaans word for mountain, refers to the colourful tramps and beggars who roam the city's streets but often sleep out in the open on the eye-catching slopes of the fabled Table Mountain looming over the city. Cape Town's natural beauty has attracted hordes of tourists from Europe and China, with an additional boost coming from the sharp decline in the SA rand exchange rate. The local tourist bureau is increasingly concerned that the presence of poorly turned out bergies is lowering the tone of the city, especially for foreigners on package tours. Councillor Ben vd Merck has come up with a brainwave: ''If we put sunglasses on the bergies they will instantly appear much cooler. Down and outs wearing designer-wear can blend more easily into the style package Cape Town is offering on the world tourism stage." Polaroid, the international sunglass brand business based in Minnetonka, Minnesota has now agreed to supply its cool range of shades to selected bergies as a pilot project. The city will then carry out a survey of tourists to determine reactions. Gene Walker, a visitor to the trendy Cape Town Waterfront from Hartlepool, commented: "Why draw the line at sunglasses? For one thing, they're not much use at night, when many bergies are on show. I'm sure a company like Adidas or New Balance could be approached to supply a line of designer track shoes. The bergies' attitude towards tourists would improve immeasurably if they could replace their threadbare shoes with a Nike swoosh." There's already a precedent for this. It's no secret that local bin cleaners have been seen carrying the kit-bags of a top local school, Bishops, on their backs. Although the school has denied it, there are claims that it has deliberately distributed these in order to downplay accusations of elitism - a burden the school has borne almost since it was founded in the 1800s.

Changing room efficiency may be the next Olympic sport

Among the more arcane pursuits is that of efficient changing room dressing. Not many are aware of the clique of specialist dressers to be found in sports changing rooms around the world but there is a surprising number of practitioners. 'Popularity is snowballing. It's not too far beyond the realms of speculation that changing room dressing will apply for Olympics sports status one of these days', volunteers Dane Allman, an accomplished and stylish dresser from Houndsditch. 'After all, if they're now talking about skate-boarding how far can they be from promoting our passion on the world stage?'

Spectator Jim Vilas exclaims: 'A really skilled changer is like watching pure poetry in motion. There is no limit to the efficiency level some of these guys aspire to.' Some of the intricate skills include: undoing both shoelaces at the same time with two hands; flicking the shirt off the hook from the shirt-tail so that it's easy to slip the other hand smoothly into the sleeve; and putting both socks on first so that your feet glide smoothly into the trouser legs afterwards. Says Allman: 'Novices often slip up by getting their slightly damp feet stuck half way down their trousers.' He adds: 'We do draw the line at fastening your watch-strap with your teeth while tucking your shirt in but otherwise just about anything goes.'

Spectators often gasp when Allman deftly grabs his jacket by the collar and flicks it over his head so that he can push both arms into their sleeves simultaneously. Another favourite is applying deodorant with one hand while using the other to pack your sports bag. Fellow experienced practitioner, Abel Solomons, laments changing rooms that lack good fans. 'With a decent ceiling or wall fan you can delay putting on your shirt till last so as to dry your chest hair properly and cool your upper body down. It's becoming standard now but some changing rooms are still living in the 20th century.' 

Allman's final touch was to fasten his belt while doing up the last two shirt buttons and strolling out of the changing room to rapturous applause.

Blue paint splash in Newlands street now acknowledged to be work of famous graffiti artist

Local Newlands residents are agog with the news that what they thought were just random splashes of bright blue house paint are actually the work of famous graffiti artist, Whoopsy. Peter Wilson, who lives in the street, exclaimed: 'It's art! I never realised each morning when driving to work. I thought it was some useless builder guy who spilt the paint from his bakkie and didn't bother to clean it up. Now we want to preserve it for future generations.'

The realisation that this was the new graffiti sensation at work emerged when SANRAL-approved road paint contractor, Sizwe Ngalema, was visiting a friend in the street. He instantly recognised the specialist road paint used in the artwork and linked it to the now-famous 'road paint experiment' that was visible for many years on the M1 highway between Johannesburg and Tshwane. Says Ngalema: 'Everyone in the road paint fraternity knew this was no experiment. It was one of Whoopsy's first great creations but it took many years to be widely accepted. Thousands of drivers raced over this piece, oblivious of its historical significance.'

Back in Newlands, residents are now examining the bicycle depiction on the pavement  outside one of the local schools for links to Whoopsy. At first this was just thought to be a guide for local learners but forensic tests seem likely to connect this to other Whoopsy works around the country.

Wilson again: 'We are worried that someone may try to dig up and remove these seminal works just like the Banksy piece that was taken off a shop wall in north London in 2013. We are thinking of erecting a barrier around them but the council is so far not playing ball.' Councillor Ian Iversen refused to comment.

Another resident, Annabelle Graaff says: 'I think it's so marvellous that Whoopsy has selected our suburb for his latest oeuvres. Who knows, he may even be living right here among us.'

Frustration that not all men's emotions end in 'ad'

A Johannesburg man is experiencing a mixture of elation and frustration because the gamut of his emotions don't all consist of single-syllable words ending in 'ad'. Mac Wishaw observes: 'I can sum up most of my emotions with - 'I feel mad, bad, sad or glad. But the outlier is the one for fear. There's absolutely no synonym ending in 'ad'. You come close with 'afraid' and 'scared', but neither quite does it.'

We are in a new era where it's ok for men to be in touch with their emotions. And being men, the range of emotions is actually quite pared down. The plain truth is that there's a growing appreciation in the male community that these five cover all the bases. Although there are many synonyms in English for each of the five, it's far more efficient and time-saving to stick to the 5 that sound almost identical. For one thing, it's easier to remember what they are. This is particularly true in therapy situations where you are paying by the hour so it makes sense to compress as much information about your emotions into five compact, easily understood words.

Jim Fox, a well-known therapist working in Norwood, says: 'In recent years a shorthand has developed in men's therapy in particular. A symbiosis has emerged between man and therapist where rapid access to key emotions is facilitated by MBSG (mad, bad, sad and glad). So far there is no consensus on the fifth letter of this acronym, be it scared or afraid, but everyone knows that it really covers all 5 mainstream male emotions.'

And it's not only in therapy where the five key feelings have real practical value. Says Wishaw: 'Who wants to say to the idiot at the call centre: I feel really infuriated or choleric that you're asking all of these ID questions, how many more answers do you need? You know it's me and I know it's me! It's much easier to just say: you know, you're now making me mad with all these questions. That would get through to anyone. Often the call centre people aren't even English speakers.'

Wishaw's neighbour and golfing buddie, Luke McManus agreed: 'Who wants to say to your wife I feel utterly remorseful or ashamed for the way I shouted at you at breakfast yesterday when you can just own up and admit you're feeling bad about it? Add to that a bunch of chrysanthemums and everyone can move on.'

Leicester City's Premier League win makes many long shots more likely

Leicester City's unlikely victory in the English soccer Premier League has dramatically raised hopes for a number of other so-called long shots. At the start of the season, bookies offered odds of 5000-1 on a Leicester win. In fact, the odds on Leicester being demoted back to the lower Championship division were way tighter. By Christmas it became clear that Leicester was on course to confound the bookies and all the pundits - they duly won the league going away, with no other team in close. Odds even tighter than Leicester's unlikely victory include: Elvis Presley still being alive and Kim Kardashian becoming president.

In fact the Elvis Alive odds are much lower at a mere 2000-1. Jim McNemeny, a popular Elvis impersonator and lead singer of a local tribute band in Boise, Idaho rejoiced at the news. 'Me 'n the guys have long known that Elvis is not far away. If you think that it was only in August that Leicester was deemed a wash-out by the bookies, it's probably just a matter of weeks now before Elvis reveals himself. After all, he's only 81, that's not that old these days.' Many observers believe Elvis had no choice but to go incognito when things got the better of him in 1977. Says McNemeny, 'That old joke about, he's not dead, he's just having a break, is truer than most people realise.'

Kim Kardashian, who was recently portrayed as a teenager in the series The People vs OJ Simpson: American Crime Story, is exuberant: '2000-1 on me becoming President of the United States, that's like so over the top. Look at Donald Trump, he's at 3-1 now, look at Hillary, 1-3. Where were they a few years ago? Leicester's win is so paving the way for the unthinkable to be actually totally possible. I'm not seriously planning my campaign yet but somebody's gonna make some awesome money on me one day, probably in the 2020s. But if I like I can bide my time until the 30s or even the 40s.'

With the odds at a mere 500-1 on the 65-million year old Loch Ness monster being discovered, local hostelries in Inverness and Abriachan have already reported a big increase in bookings this summer as many punters have realised that Leicester's win has made a sighting more likely than ever.

Highly superior autobiographical memory man makes pilgrimage to Rondebosch mystical site

William O'Donnell, from Winnipeg, Canada, who is one of a handful of HSAM (Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory) people around the world, has just returned from a trip to Kenilworth, Cape Town specifically to record a memory really worth remembering, even for a guy who remembers everything.

The home, owned by Greg and Bridget Ring, has drawn worldwide attention for the strange occurrence of the two bulbs that almost instantly lose power once installed. Says Greg: 'They come on, then they go out! I keep on replacing these bulbs. I've tried all the brands and even imported some from the UK because I heard they are more reliable. We've had several electricians testing the circuits and all are mystified. We think this is a case of some kind of divine intervention, or whatever you call it - this kitchen just was just never meant to have too much light.'

The Rings love their cooking and frequently entertain, so good quality lighting is essential. States Bridget, 'Luckily the stove hood has a couple of powerful bulbs so when we are actually cooking on the hob we have enough light to crisp the potatoes. It's not MasterChef but we do like to make our guests happy.'

For O'Donnell, dinner at the Rings ranks high in his memory files. 'My life is plagued by the ability to remember the daily grind in the minutest detail. For example, I know exactly what I was doing and where at 1pm on 6 May, 2006, 10 years ago today. I was drinking a large latte with cinnamon and two brown sugars in Starbucks on 360 Main St Winnipeg, waiting for my ex, Gloria. She never arrived as she had taken up with the new guy in her life, Roderick. The memory is painful and I can't expunge it. So I try to rack up more dominant memories by travelling to out-of-the-way places to see strange things.'

He raves: 'Visiting the Ring's house in Rondebosch will always rank as a special event for its mysterious content and fine home-cooking. It is amazing to think that they are living day-to-day in a home where something truly mystical is happening all the time.' 

Small antelope herd apparently hooked on Cape Town surf spots

The Cape Town surfing community is abuzz with the apparent obsession of a small bontebok (damaliscus pygargus) herd with local surf spots. Well-known but seldom-crowded surf breaks Olifantstbos and nearby Extensions, which serves up sharp rights off the rocks, have become popular venues for between four and six bontebok, who appear to take up strategic positions and face out to sea.

Like all shy, endangered animals, they keep a sharp eye all around them for predators but a lot of the time they seem to be looking in the direction of the surf, especially when an offshore south-easter is blowing, whipping spray off the top of the breaking waves. It's hard for the human eye not to be attracted to the curling wave section and spray but it appears that this herd is also zoned in.

When an onshore northerly wind blows the herd appears to lose interest in the waves (as do the surfers) and often moves inland to graze. However, it soon wanders back when the offshore breeze lights up again. Surfers in the reserve are speculating whether the herd might drift further south through the fynbos to pick up the action at Platboom, an exposed reef break about a kilometre away. This spot works well in a north-wester, which would give the herd an extra option when the wind is unfavourable at Extensions.

Old hand John Whitman, who has spent a lifetime surfing the breaks in the Far South (formerly known as the Deep South), observed: 'Years ago a tortoise was frequently spotted in the bushes at Inner Kom, apparently checking out the surf dudes when the south-easter was shaping the swell. But this is the first anybody's heard of bontebok, or any antelope for that matter, getting stoked on the local surf action.'

Some surfers are wondering whether the bonteboks' interest in surfing might be picked up by the local baboon population, which is already very familiar with human activities.