BVI man wins record third Victoria Cross

Wilson Patchoux, a native of the British Virgin Islands, has become the first man to win three Victoria Crosses, the UK's supreme medal for bravery. Wilson, who did many years of research into medal-winning, has been inspired by a number of war heroes like Kemal Ataturk and Charles Upham. 'Countless times at Gallipoli and in the Caucasus campaign Mustafa Ataturk rallied his troops on the hilltops, dodging bullets incessantly. That takes real skill and timing.' Patchoux's father, Archie, had always advised his son to keep his head down and not be a hero. But Patchoux junior knew that becoming a hero was possible, using a combination of skill, practice and sixth sense. Charles Upham, the New Zealander who won two VCs in World War II, has a story that reads like a Boys Own comic book. 'Upham was constantly drawing fire and dodging bullets while eliminating dozens of enemy soldiers. Although he was frequently wounded he always managed to dodge that fatal bullet.' Patchoux is particularly pleased with his third VC. 'You think Michael Phelps is something special with all those Olympic golds? Well he didn't take any actual chances with his life. A pristine blue swimming pool is a far cry from a patch of open ground, strafed by heavy machine gun fire. The pool is a cake-walk.' Patchoux studied hours of film footage showing humans dodging bullets. 'If you watch Terminator 1, 2 or 3 or The Matrix in slow motion you get a feel for the timing and speed of the bullet-dodger. The Matrix is particularly tough on the hero because the bad guys are machines. That takes away the human error, making it much more difficult to evade the thousands of rounds a second spewing out. Keanu Reeves is a genius.' Patchoux also watched James Bond films in his research: 'The henchmen of the baddies in James Bond movies are another good source. Even though they are mainly ham-handed dolts, they have a lot of firepower. James Bond had a licence to kill, sure, but he was up against loads of dudes who didn't even bother with such niceties as a licence.' Patchoux has decided to auction his VCs and donate the proceeds to charities for retired cavalry horses.