Changing room efficiency may be the next Olympic sport

Among the more arcane pursuits is that of efficient changing room dressing. Not many are aware of the clique of specialist dressers to be found in sports changing rooms around the world but there is a surprising number of practitioners. 'Popularity is snowballing. It's not too far beyond the realms of speculation that changing room dressing will apply for Olympics sports status one of these days', volunteers Dane Allman, an accomplished and stylish dresser from Houndsditch. 'After all, if they're now talking about skate-boarding how far can they be from promoting our passion on the world stage?'

Spectator Jim Vilas exclaims: 'A really skilled changer is like watching pure poetry in motion. There is no limit to the efficiency level some of these guys aspire to.' Some of the intricate skills include: undoing both shoelaces at the same time with two hands; flicking the shirt off the hook from the shirt-tail so that it's easy to slip the other hand smoothly into the sleeve; and putting both socks on first so that your feet glide smoothly into the trouser legs afterwards. Says Allman: 'Novices often slip up by getting their slightly damp feet stuck half way down their trousers.' He adds: 'We do draw the line at fastening your watch-strap with your teeth while tucking your shirt in but otherwise just about anything goes.'

Spectators often gasp when Allman deftly grabs his jacket by the collar and flicks it over his head so that he can push both arms into their sleeves simultaneously. Another favourite is applying deodorant with one hand while using the other to pack your sports bag. Fellow experienced practitioner, Abel Solomons, laments changing rooms that lack good fans. 'With a decent ceiling or wall fan you can delay putting on your shirt till last so as to dry your chest hair properly and cool your upper body down. It's becoming standard now but some changing rooms are still living in the 20th century.' 

Allman's final touch was to fasten his belt while doing up the last two shirt buttons and strolling out of the changing room to rapturous applause.