BVI man wins record third Victoria Cross

Wilson Patchoux, a native of the British Virgin Islands, has become the first man to win three Victoria Crosses, the UK's supreme medal for bravery. Wilson, who did many years of research into medal-winning, has been inspired by a number of war heroes like Kemal Ataturk and Charles Upham. 'Countless times at Gallipoli and in the Caucasus campaign Mustafa Ataturk rallied his troops on the hilltops, dodging bullets incessantly. That takes real skill and timing.' Patchoux's father, Archie, had always advised his son to keep his head down and not be a hero. But Patchoux junior knew that becoming a hero was possible, using a combination of skill, practice and sixth sense. Charles Upham, the New Zealander who won two VCs in World War II, has a story that reads like a Boys Own comic book. 'Upham was constantly drawing fire and dodging bullets while eliminating dozens of enemy soldiers. Although he was frequently wounded he always managed to dodge that fatal bullet.' Patchoux is particularly pleased with his third VC. 'You think Michael Phelps is something special with all those Olympic golds? Well he didn't take any actual chances with his life. A pristine blue swimming pool is a far cry from a patch of open ground, strafed by heavy machine gun fire. The pool is a cake-walk.' Patchoux studied hours of film footage showing humans dodging bullets. 'If you watch Terminator 1, 2 or 3 or The Matrix in slow motion you get a feel for the timing and speed of the bullet-dodger. The Matrix is particularly tough on the hero because the bad guys are machines. That takes away the human error, making it much more difficult to evade the thousands of rounds a second spewing out. Keanu Reeves is a genius.' Patchoux also watched James Bond films in his research: 'The henchmen of the baddies in James Bond movies are another good source. Even though they are mainly ham-handed dolts, they have a lot of firepower. James Bond had a licence to kill, sure, but he was up against loads of dudes who didn't even bother with such niceties as a licence.' Patchoux has decided to auction his VCs and donate the proceeds to charities for retired cavalry horses.

Likes Facebook but no friends needed

Ben Wiczouk of somewhere in Montana (nearest town not divulged) has made the briefest of contacts with the outside world to reveal he has signed up with Facebook for the first time. The story was broken in the Liberty County Times by investigative journalist Ramon Aguirra. Ben, who until now has cut himself off from all electronic communication, conceded that 1.5bn Facebook users can't be wrong. He has decided to put his head above the parapet, if only very slightly. 'Given my constant conflict between paranoia and narcissism I've decided to try to integrate the two disorders by accessing Facebook.’ However, Ben has severely restricted the settings on his Facebook page. For example, for ‘Posts’ he has disallowed ‘Public’ access and even access by ‘Friends’, instead ticking the box for ‘Only Me’. For 'Who Can See My Stuff’ his setting is the same - 'Only Me'. ‘I’m finding my own posts very absorbing and see no reason to share them with a bunch of other nosy ignoramuses.’ Ben has made a big concession on the ‘Who Can Contact Me’ tab by allowing ‘Only Friends of Friends’. However, he will not be making any friends on Facebook and will not respond to any friendship requests. 'I've gone public on this so that everyone out there looking to make contact with me, for whatever reason (and there are all sorts of weirdos out there with all sorts of reasons), will know that they will not be hearing from me.’ Ben debated whether to post a photo of himself or possibly someone else, or even and animal or bush, but eventually decided against any of these. ‘If I want to look at myself I can easily just walk over to the nearby stream.’ And he definitely will not be listing his high school or home town. ‘There's no way I want any of those losers to contact me. I'm happy here with my gold bars and baked beans and nobody's gonna come and take that happiness away from me.’

White van man fraternity challenged by big biker wave

For years ordinary motorists have been stung by their exclusion from the white van man brotherhood. From London to Huddersfield white van men have operated under the radar screen, letting each other into traffic, allowing faster white vans to pass easily and warning each other of traffic cameras and speed traps. A white van man can spot another in the heaviest of traffic, almost as if no other traffic exists. Carl Orbison from Hackney averred, ‘I couldn’t believe it. One day I had cause to hire a white van and it was like being on another planet. Suddenly there were these incredibly sensitive and supportive guys recognising my needs. Of course, I reciprocated immediately.’ Ordinary motorists can observe but are not invited to participate. However, motorists have now started to hit back. They are forging a symbiosis with the large motorbike fraternity (smaller bikes don’t qualify). In slow-moving traffic it's not unusual to see a motorist ease quietly a metre or two to the side to allow a motorcyclist to pass. In return the bike rider will acknowledge this action with a low-key lift of a gloved hand off the handle bar. 'There’s nothing more satisfying than to get a cool wave from a big bike,' raves Perry Jann, a Toyota Corolla driver. 'Now the white van man fraternity no longer rules the road,' he added. White van driver, Peter Wilson, commented, 'We're not sure how to respond to the biker wave challenge. On the one hand it would be nice to get that wave but on the other it would be a betrayal of the exclusive bond we white van men have with each other. It could break the safety and security of the fraternity.' One driver who will never be invited to either group is Barclay Angelo who drives a Hummer. Says Barclay, 'Even if I had space to pull over for a biker, which I don't, I wouldn't.' And the white van men shun him completely.