Changing room efficiency may be the next Olympic sport

Among the more arcane pursuits is that of efficient changing room dressing. Not many are aware of the clique of specialist dressers to be found in sports changing rooms around the world but there is a surprising number of practitioners. 'Popularity is snowballing. It's not too far beyond the realms of speculation that changing room dressing will apply for Olympics sports status one of these days', volunteers Dane Allman, an accomplished and stylish dresser from Houndsditch. 'After all, if they're now talking about skate-boarding how far can they be from promoting our passion on the world stage?'

Spectator Jim Vilas exclaims: 'A really skilled changer is like watching pure poetry in motion. There is no limit to the efficiency level some of these guys aspire to.' Some of the intricate skills include: undoing both shoelaces at the same time with two hands; flicking the shirt off the hook from the shirt-tail so that it's easy to slip the other hand smoothly into the sleeve; and putting both socks on first so that your feet glide smoothly into the trouser legs afterwards. Says Allman: 'Novices often slip up by getting their slightly damp feet stuck half way down their trousers.' He adds: 'We do draw the line at fastening your watch-strap with your teeth while tucking your shirt in but otherwise just about anything goes.'

Spectators often gasp when Allman deftly grabs his jacket by the collar and flicks it over his head so that he can push both arms into their sleeves simultaneously. Another favourite is applying deodorant with one hand while using the other to pack your sports bag. Fellow experienced practitioner, Abel Solomons, laments changing rooms that lack good fans. 'With a decent ceiling or wall fan you can delay putting on your shirt till last so as to dry your chest hair properly and cool your upper body down. It's becoming standard now but some changing rooms are still living in the 20th century.' 

Allman's final touch was to fasten his belt while doing up the last two shirt buttons and strolling out of the changing room to rapturous applause.

Blue paint splash in Newlands street now acknowledged to be work of famous graffiti artist

Local Newlands residents are agog with the news that what they thought were just random splashes of bright blue house paint are actually the work of famous graffiti artist, Whoopsy. Peter Wilson, who lives in the street, exclaimed: 'It's art! I never realised each morning when driving to work. I thought it was some useless builder guy who spilt the paint from his bakkie and didn't bother to clean it up. Now we want to preserve it for future generations.'

The realisation that this was the new graffiti sensation at work emerged when SANRAL-approved road paint contractor, Sizwe Ngalema, was visiting a friend in the street. He instantly recognised the specialist road paint used in the artwork and linked it to the now-famous 'road paint experiment' that was visible for many years on the M1 highway between Johannesburg and Tshwane. Says Ngalema: 'Everyone in the road paint fraternity knew this was no experiment. It was one of Whoopsy's first great creations but it took many years to be widely accepted. Thousands of drivers raced over this piece, oblivious of its historical significance.'

Back in Newlands, residents are now examining the bicycle depiction on the pavement  outside one of the local schools for links to Whoopsy. At first this was just thought to be a guide for local learners but forensic tests seem likely to connect this to other Whoopsy works around the country.

Wilson again: 'We are worried that someone may try to dig up and remove these seminal works just like the Banksy piece that was taken off a shop wall in north London in 2013. We are thinking of erecting a barrier around them but the council is so far not playing ball.' Councillor Ian Iversen refused to comment.

Another resident, Annabelle Graaff says: 'I think it's so marvellous that Whoopsy has selected our suburb for his latest oeuvres. Who knows, he may even be living right here among us.'

Frustration that not all men's emotions end in 'ad'

A Johannesburg man is experiencing a mixture of elation and frustration because the gamut of his emotions don't all consist of single-syllable words ending in 'ad'. Mac Wishaw observes: 'I can sum up most of my emotions with - 'I feel mad, bad, sad or glad. But the outlier is the one for fear. There's absolutely no synonym ending in 'ad'. You come close with 'afraid' and 'scared', but neither quite does it.'

We are in a new era where it's ok for men to be in touch with their emotions. And being men, the range of emotions is actually quite pared down. The plain truth is that there's a growing appreciation in the male community that these five cover all the bases. Although there are many synonyms in English for each of the five, it's far more efficient and time-saving to stick to the 5 that sound almost identical. For one thing, it's easier to remember what they are. This is particularly true in therapy situations where you are paying by the hour so it makes sense to compress as much information about your emotions into five compact, easily understood words.

Jim Fox, a well-known therapist working in Norwood, says: 'In recent years a shorthand has developed in men's therapy in particular. A symbiosis has emerged between man and therapist where rapid access to key emotions is facilitated by MBSG (mad, bad, sad and glad). So far there is no consensus on the fifth letter of this acronym, be it scared or afraid, but everyone knows that it really covers all 5 mainstream male emotions.'

And it's not only in therapy where the five key feelings have real practical value. Says Wishaw: 'Who wants to say to the idiot at the call centre: I feel really infuriated or choleric that you're asking all of these ID questions, how many more answers do you need? You know it's me and I know it's me! It's much easier to just say: you know, you're now making me mad with all these questions. That would get through to anyone. Often the call centre people aren't even English speakers.'

Wishaw's neighbour and golfing buddie, Luke McManus agreed: 'Who wants to say to your wife I feel utterly remorseful or ashamed for the way I shouted at you at breakfast yesterday when you can just own up and admit you're feeling bad about it? Add to that a bunch of chrysanthemums and everyone can move on.'

Leicester City's Premier League win makes many long shots more likely

Leicester City's unlikely victory in the English soccer Premier League has dramatically raised hopes for a number of other so-called long shots. At the start of the season, bookies offered odds of 5000-1 on a Leicester win. In fact, the odds on Leicester being demoted back to the lower Championship division were way tighter. By Christmas it became clear that Leicester was on course to confound the bookies and all the pundits - they duly won the league going away, with no other team in close. Odds even tighter than Leicester's unlikely victory include: Elvis Presley still being alive and Kim Kardashian becoming president.

In fact the Elvis Alive odds are much lower at a mere 2000-1. Jim McNemeny, a popular Elvis impersonator and lead singer of a local tribute band in Boise, Idaho rejoiced at the news. 'Me 'n the guys have long known that Elvis is not far away. If you think that it was only in August that Leicester was deemed a wash-out by the bookies, it's probably just a matter of weeks now before Elvis reveals himself. After all, he's only 81, that's not that old these days.' Many observers believe Elvis had no choice but to go incognito when things got the better of him in 1977. Says McNemeny, 'That old joke about, he's not dead, he's just having a break, is truer than most people realise.'

Kim Kardashian, who was recently portrayed as a teenager in the series The People vs OJ Simpson: American Crime Story, is exuberant: '2000-1 on me becoming President of the United States, that's like so over the top. Look at Donald Trump, he's at 3-1 now, look at Hillary, 1-3. Where were they a few years ago? Leicester's win is so paving the way for the unthinkable to be actually totally possible. I'm not seriously planning my campaign yet but somebody's gonna make some awesome money on me one day, probably in the 2020s. But if I like I can bide my time until the 30s or even the 40s.'

With the odds at a mere 500-1 on the 65-million year old Loch Ness monster being discovered, local hostelries in Inverness and Abriachan have already reported a big increase in bookings this summer as many punters have realised that Leicester's win has made a sighting more likely than ever.

Highly superior autobiographical memory man makes pilgrimage to Rondebosch mystical site

William O'Donnell, from Winnipeg, Canada, who is one of a handful of HSAM (Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory) people around the world, has just returned from a trip to Kenilworth, Cape Town specifically to record a memory really worth remembering, even for a guy who remembers everything.

The home, owned by Greg and Bridget Ring, has drawn worldwide attention for the strange occurrence of the two bulbs that almost instantly lose power once installed. Says Greg: 'They come on, then they go out! I keep on replacing these bulbs. I've tried all the brands and even imported some from the UK because I heard they are more reliable. We've had several electricians testing the circuits and all are mystified. We think this is a case of some kind of divine intervention, or whatever you call it - this kitchen just was just never meant to have too much light.'

The Rings love their cooking and frequently entertain, so good quality lighting is essential. States Bridget, 'Luckily the stove hood has a couple of powerful bulbs so when we are actually cooking on the hob we have enough light to crisp the potatoes. It's not MasterChef but we do like to make our guests happy.'

For O'Donnell, dinner at the Rings ranks high in his memory files. 'My life is plagued by the ability to remember the daily grind in the minutest detail. For example, I know exactly what I was doing and where at 1pm on 6 May, 2006, 10 years ago today. I was drinking a large latte with cinnamon and two brown sugars in Starbucks on 360 Main St Winnipeg, waiting for my ex, Gloria. She never arrived as she had taken up with the new guy in her life, Roderick. The memory is painful and I can't expunge it. So I try to rack up more dominant memories by travelling to out-of-the-way places to see strange things.'

He raves: 'Visiting the Ring's house in Rondebosch will always rank as a special event for its mysterious content and fine home-cooking. It is amazing to think that they are living day-to-day in a home where something truly mystical is happening all the time.' 

Small antelope herd apparently hooked on Cape Town surf spots

The Cape Town surfing community is abuzz with the apparent obsession of a small bontebok (damaliscus pygargus) herd with local surf spots. Well-known but seldom-crowded surf breaks Olifantstbos and nearby Extensions, which serves up sharp rights off the rocks, have become popular venues for between four and six bontebok, who appear to take up strategic positions and face out to sea.

Like all shy, endangered animals, they keep a sharp eye all around them for predators but a lot of the time they seem to be looking in the direction of the surf, especially when an offshore south-easter is blowing, whipping spray off the top of the breaking waves. It's hard for the human eye not to be attracted to the curling wave section and spray but it appears that this herd is also zoned in.

When an onshore northerly wind blows the herd appears to lose interest in the waves (as do the surfers) and often moves inland to graze. However, it soon wanders back when the offshore breeze lights up again. Surfers in the reserve are speculating whether the herd might drift further south through the fynbos to pick up the action at Platboom, an exposed reef break about a kilometre away. This spot works well in a north-wester, which would give the herd an extra option when the wind is unfavourable at Extensions.

Old hand John Whitman, who has spent a lifetime surfing the breaks in the Far South (formerly known as the Deep South), observed: 'Years ago a tortoise was frequently spotted in the bushes at Inner Kom, apparently checking out the surf dudes when the south-easter was shaping the swell. But this is the first anybody's heard of bontebok, or any antelope for that matter, getting stoked on the local surf action.'

Some surfers are wondering whether the bonteboks' interest in surfing might be picked up by the local baboon population, which is already very familiar with human activities.