Queen sings along to God Save the Queen

The British upper class was agog at the wedding of Harry to Meghan when the Queen surprised the 1.9bn audience by mouthing along to 'God Save the Queen', the first time she has done this in public. It is thought that her speech trainer, James Winslow-Wilkinson-Bathurst, had her practising it many times before the wedding, in the same way that other steps in the ceremony were minutely rehearsed. She is known to have recently become aware of the universality of the anthem and that it's not singling her out at all. Meghan (now known as Princess Henry of Wales - and that's another story) had 53 flowers of Commonwealth countries sewn into her veil, while the wedding ceremony itself was blessed by Bishop Michael of Chicago (not to be confused with Princess Michael of Kent - which is yet another story) in a rousing sermon, focused on the paramountcy of love, that left some of the British elite too stunned to speak. Insiders claim that the Queen has always felt a bit spare when everyone's singing God Save the Queen and she's not. As it was clear to all that the theme of the wedding was diversity, globalisation and inclusion, the Queen appears to have had this flash of insight that the anthem was really for queens worldwide (royal, not gay). Observed Anthea Schleswig, long-time Royal Family confidante: 'Europe alone has a whole host of queens. One thinks of Sylvia of Sweden, Margrethe of Denmark, Sonja of Norway and Maxima of Holland, all adding royal splendour to their nations.' Indeed, it is thought that One was thinking of them and others too like Letizia of Spain. And One is thought also not to have forgotten the many kings that still dot the planet across Europe, Asia and Africa. 'They all need to be saved,' avers Schleswig. Some perceptive commentators have added that not only ought these royals to be saved from external threats but also, for some at least, from themselves. The British Queen is known to be particularly self-effacing and, as she's aged, increasingly aware of her own human frailties. An element of self-doubt may have crept in, encouraging her to sing out for a spot of divine guidance. So far, King Mswati III of Swaziland, in power since 1986, has not indicated whether the Queen's enlightened change of course has caused him to re-think his policy of repression and greed in his small landlocked country.

Masi woman fed up with poor-but-meticulously-clean label

Rebecca Mondanga, a resident of Masi, is fed up with being chararcterised as poor but meticulously clean, like those legendary wives of Welsh miners.  Rebecca is constantly debating whether to deliberately leave items of fluff under a table or specks of grime on the corner of a window. 'It's a way for wealthy people to feel better about the poor; actually they are setting the standards for cleanliness as a salve to their own consciences,' Rebecca points out. 'If a wind springs up and blows dust through the township, what must I do - leap up from my sewing and remove all semblance of dirt on the off chance that some budding Hemingway might stumble across my humble abode on the search for some African inspiration?' Rebecca suspects that a writer like Somerset Maugham or even Conrad had a couple of swings at the comforting myth, although she doesn't think it's at all a popular theme with contemporary African writers, knowing as they do what a hassle it can be putting up with such elitist fantasies. Of course, as many hygienists are now starting to realise: there's also the issue of healthy dirt. In many middle class households people are incessantly wiping kitchen tops and would never dream of eating food dropped on the floor. But when you live in poverty the only thing you've really got is your health (that's if you do have it) and exposure to germs at an early age is a must. Rebecca concedes that the one time she did get her house spotless was when President Obama came to Masi in his Black Hawk helicopter. 'We went through a cleaning frenzy, it's true, after all it was Obama! But there were four Black Hawks altogether and the DUST! Well it was just terrible and all my surfaces were smothered with it.' On a purely commercial level Rebecca has been considering contacting the manufacturers of Cleen Green or Mr Muscle. 'Maybe one of these big companies will pick up on the poor-but-clean angle and I'd be quite happy to clean every day if I became their poster child.'

Metrorail implements brilliant solution to delayed train problem

Cape Town's Metrorail has come up with a brilliant solution to its train-delay problem. All the Cape Town lines: Southern, Northern, Cape Flats and Central have been running consistently behind time for many months. Worst-hit has been the Central Line, which at one point was not running at all. In such a case the new solution being implemented would not have worked. However, with the Central Line now back on track, albeit running 60 minutes late, the clever idea hatched by technical and IT experts at Metrorail can kick into gear for all lines. The solution is deceptively simple: with all the various lines running consistently late, between 20 and 70 minutes, Metrorail has simply shifted the timetables to adjust for the late runs. For example, the schedule now shows that the 7.20 train from Khayelitsha to Cape Town will only leave at 8.20 and all the other trains on the timetable have had their times moved forward accordingly. Says commuter William Lechaba: 'Like many brilliant solutions, this one is beautiful in its simplicity. Now I don't have to stand around for over an hour hoping that my train will move, never knowing when that's likely to happen. Now I know that the 7.20 is delayed until 8.20 I only have to rock up at about 8.10.' In one fell swoop the whole Metrorail timetable has been shifted to line up with the actual traveling times of the trains. So, instead of radio stations like FMR and Good Hope Radio dwelling on the delay times for Metrorail in their regular morning and evening traffic updates, they are simply able to note that Metrorail is running on time. This means they can spend more time on more pesky issues like road accidents, bus strikes and other hair-pulling events that plague Cape Town's hard-pressed commuters. Avers Juan De Bosco, who has recently settled in Cape Town from Buenos Aires: 'The time shift in Metrorail actually suits me quite well because it brings me closer to the quotidian cycle in Buenos Aires, which starts later in the morning and ends later at night. I'm not nearly so homesick any more, with this  adjustment.' Metrorail is still working on the Fish Hoek-Simonstown connection where no time-table, even one adjusted for delays, is available owing to bulldozers on the track.